Finding the joys in our trials

One of the things that really stands out to me from my TOFW experience was watching a brief video at the very beginning of women stating things that they knew.  Many different women, many different things.  One woman said that she knew that the reason she wasn't chosen to be a mother in this life is because she has other things she needs to work on more.  The thought struck me-she is already such a perfect mother that God is giving her an opportunity to improve in other areas first. 
It's no secret that I've been wanting more children for the past 4 years.  I have 2 beautiful daughters, whom I love so much.  But I also love the other children that I know are meant to be a part of my family as well.  I've had people tell me to just be thankful that at least I have children, when there are so many women who can't even have 1!  The feelings of guilt that come to any women experiencing secondary infertility who hears that are indescribable.  I am so thankful for my daughters.  They are such a joy to me.  But they can't replace the children I haven't had yet.  I would compare that to losing a child, and someone saying-"Well, at least you have 2 other kids to love!"  One child can't replace another.
So through this trial of secondary infertility, it became clear that I had other things to work on.  I'm not a perfect mother, by any means.  But I've gotten to a point that I'm doing okay there and need to focus on other areas for a time. 
Another difficulty I've had is in watching so many women around me be pregnant.  Again, the pain at seeing so many "accidents" and tears of sorrow as a result is just indescribable.  I seriously used to wonder if God was playing some kind of sick joke on me.  And then it hit me-God isn't punishing me.  He is giving me a gift.  Because He knows of my desire for another child, and He also knows it isn't the right time to send more spirits to our earthly family, He has given me the gift of being able to watch so many women experience the joy and pain of pregnancy, and watch all these precious souls come to Earth, and learn and grow.  He has given me the gift of being a second, or even third, mother to these children, given me the gift of having the opportunity to give my love to them.  It's a gift He gave me to help me through this challenging time in my life. 
I'm so thankful for the trials I have in my life, and for the lessons that come from them.  For the appreciation they give me for what I have and where I'm at, and for the person they mold me into.  If my life were easy, I'd never find any joy in it.

As I enter the last 30 days of being in my 20s....

My wonderful BFFs, Shelly and Amy, and I have a new tradition we started last year of going out for a GNO (Girls Night Out, for those of you not in the know!) sometime in November to celebrate our birthdays.  Shelly's is the end of October, Amy's is early November, mine is early December.  This upcoming birthday has been a tough one for me, as I will be turning 30 this year.  I've been having a difficult time coming to terms with that, especially since there is so much I feel like I have yet to accomplish, and hoped to have done so by now! 

So a couple weeks ago, Shelly emailed us to set up our Birthday GNO, and we decided that tonight would be the best night for it.  The plan was to go to the Olive Garden for dinner, and then go see a movie.  I got to the Olive Garden at the appointed time.  I was pleasantly surprised to see Amy sitting there with several other friends of ours.  My initial thought was "Cool, they're eating dinner here tonight too.  What a coincidence!"  I walk in, and everyone yells "SURPRISE!"  Still doesn't hit me.  I'm thinking "Okay, why are they yelling surprise at me?  Just to be silly, because they're all here too?"  And then I see birthday gifts.  Still doesn't hit me.  "I wonder why they have gifts?"  And then a feeling of complete dread falls over me. 

Shortly thereafter, Shelly comes in-with a massive bunch of balloons!!  And of course there was the obligatory Server birthday song at the end of our meal.  I think my face was a little red. 

So all in all, it was a bit mortifying...but it was touching and heartwarming to know how much my friends love me, and seeing the evidence of that, and that they wanted to make this a special, happy thing for me.  I will always remember these angels in my life, helping me through a difficult time, taking the time to show me that I am loved.  Thank you, everyone, for a wonderful evening.

40 before 40

I saw this really cool list a lady did of 30 things she wanted to do before 30.  I only have just over a month until I'm 30 (sigh), so probably not enough time to do 30 things.  Well, at least not 30 really cool things.  So I'm going to look forward to the next decade of my life and do some really exciting things!  This is obviously going to take some thought, and will be a process putting my list together, but...Here goes! 

Orange!

A dear friend, who I'll call "C" wrote this, and gave me permission to pass it on. I thought it was great!

I just wanted to add, since I've had so many people ask if they can post it or forward it-my friend is completely okay with this being passed on, so long as nothing is changed without her permission.

Words represent a societal definition of something. What society defines a word by, must be accepted by all. Sometimes society evolves and additional meanings are attached to the same word. This can lead to the original word and its original definition being diluted. Eventually, the younger and succeeding generations forget what the word meant to begin with. The word can become a blanket expression to mean almost anything....thus rendering it meaningless. Like the words hot, awesome, cool, groovy, neat, etc.

This will affect all people in a society, whether they individually use the word as originally defined, or use it in all its new diverse, meaningless ways. So what society does with a word changes that word for ALL people. It takes away their choice of how to define the original word.

Now, let's say I have a problem with the word "orange." I don't like the fact that orange means a combination of red and yellow. I don't care that orange has always meant red and yellow for hundreds of years to millions of people, I think it's wrong. I think it should mean other color combinations as well, like two of the same color. Maybe I think it should mean ANY two color combinations...or any multiple color combinations.

So, I decide to start by saying, "Orange should mean yellow and yellow mixed." And then, "Orange should mean red and red mixed." Then later, "Orange should be not just red and yellow, but blue and yellow too." After a while, I might say, "Orange should mean blue and red, not just red and yellow."

So, now the word orange has become the word for yellow, red, orange, green, and purple. If society accepts that, then everyone is forced to recognize orange means five things now, not just one.

Then I could say, "Orange should mean blue and white," then "blue and black," then "red and yellow and blue and green, etc." and just keep adding color combinations. Eventually, orange becomes the word for ANY color, not a specific combination of two colors.

The word orange would become meaningless.

This is what is happening with marriage. It has for millenia meant the legal union of husband and wife. Some don't like that. It's like saying:

"I believe orange is a combination of red and yellow. But, I feel it is not my place to make that decision for other people. Let them define orange as red and red together, or yellow and yellow together. It doesn't in any way affect anyone else if red and red mixed means orange."

Or saying:

"Does it damage YOU personally somehow that some people want to call a combination of yellow and yellow, orange?"

"If your understanding of colors, or creation of artwork, is so fragile that it can't withstand letting some artists use the SAME WORD (orange) to describe their color combinations, then go an invent a new word for orange, for yourself and your friends."

"I am not going to give up the word 'orange' just because some artistic purists would prefer to claim that word for themselves, to keep it defined as red and yellow combined. There is no basis for circumscribing the meaning of the word as narrowly as you propose."

"What gives you the right to decide what any artist calls any combination of colors?"

"I think your stance is morally abhorrent..I hope you got reamed for the bigotry of thinking orange should ONLY mean a combination of red and yellow."

"Blue and red and white and black are colors too....they deserve the same rights as orange."

"Calling any color combination orange is a human right. You do not get to say that only red and yellow combined are allowed. You don't have the right to take a word that doesn't belong to you and say that you will choose what color combination it represents."

Karma

So last week I got a little dose of karma! (Shelly, you'll appreciate this!) Alexis got off the bus Thursday afternoon, almost in tears, and hands me a little slip of red paper. Taped to the little slip of red paper is a TOOTH! Said tooth wasn't even LOOSE!! My little braniac (little bit of sarcasm here...) somehow looped her beanie hat around her tooth, and 3 of the kids in her class were pulling on it, all at once. And out popped her tooth.
So because Alexis doesn't get off the bus until after 5, it's too late to call the dentist. I called the next morning, but they have no doctors in on Fridays and can't get her in until Monday. They did X-rays, and thankfully the adult tooth is not too far below the surface, and there are no fragments left behind.
But in the process of all of this, they discovered 3 cavities! Now she gets to go back next week to get fillings. When she left they gave her a new toothbrush, toothpaste, flossers, and an hourglass. She was so excited at bedtime to go in and brush her teeth just so she could watch all the sand fall down!
While eating breakfast the other morning, she just kept singing "All I want for Christmas..." (You know the rest!)

Time Out For Women-God loves broken things.

This past Saturday, I was fortunate enough to get to go to Time Out For Women down in Riverside. It was truly a wonderful experience, so healing and nourishing and just...wonderful. I had many good experiences, some that I want to share, others that I'd like to maybe just share with my journal! I am going to try, over the next few weeks to add some posts about it (from my 23 pages of notes!), but for now I just want to share this one message...

Kenneth Cope (now among my favorite musicians, so if you need any Christmas ideas I'd love to have any of his CDs-except All About You which I bought on Saturday) sang in between speakers, and also shared some random thoughts in between songs. The one that touched me the very most was when he sang Broken. Just before he started singing, he shared this thought: In a throw away world, God wont throw away the broken things. He'll end up using them to get his work done.
Unfortunately, I'm paraphrasing, but that's pretty close to what he said. Here are the lyrics to his song Broken from his album All About You:

Broken
Broken clouds give rain
Broken soil grows grain
Broken bread feeds man for one more day

Broken storms yield light
The break of day heals night
Broken pride turns blindness into sight

Broken souls that need His mending
Broken hearts for offering
Could it be that God loves broken things

Broken chains set free
Broken swords bring peace
Broken walls make friends of you and me

To break the ranks of sin
To break the news of Him
To put on Christ till His name feels broken in

Broken seeds that need His mending
Broken hearts for offering
I believe that God loves broken things

And yet, our broken faith, our broken promises
Sent love to the cross
And still, that broken flesh, that broken heart of His
Offers us such grace and mercy
Covers us with love undeserving

This broken soul that cries for mending
This broken heart for offering
I'm convinced that God loves broken things
Praise His name-my God loves broken things

So, broken cloud-give rain
And broken soil-Grow grain
And broken bread-Feed man for one more day

I've had so many moments over the past 18 months that I've felt broken-broken physically, broken mentally, broken emotionally, and broken spiritually. There were so many times I felt that I was just too broken to be a mom, a wife, a sister, a daughter, too broken to be me, to broken to be my Heavenly Father's daughter. Too broken to be of any value, or to give any love to those around me. But for all my brokenness...I realized I still have something to offer. I don't know yet what that will be, but I know that God will show me what it is in time. And I will be glad for the broken parts of me.

So much for me time!

So when we took Alexis to Disneyland a couple weeks ago, we got free tickets to California Adventure (the 2-fer promo they have for California residents). The only stipulation was that they had to be used within 29 days. So we've been planning to go today, since there's no school. We made plans to leave the girls with Grandma, and have a day for just the 2 of us. After the week Daniel had fighting viruses at work (he put in almost 100 hours last week!), we were both due for a day of fun. Unfortunately, we overslept!! We woke up at 8, which is when we were planning to head down the hill. So by 9 we had the girls and all their stuff loaded in the car, and then Daniel got a call from his boss saying the pass was closed. He ran in to check CHP's website, and, sure enough, the pass is closed all the was from the 215 split to Main St. in Hesperia. Such a bummer that the one day of the year we decide to take some time for ourselves is the day we get the biggest storm of the year. Oh well, maybe some other day.