For this child I have prayed

First of all, NO, this is not an announcement! 

I got to go visit a friend yesterday who has a newborn son.  She has struggled with infertility, and after several years she is finally a mommy.  She adopted her son about a week ago.  She took me in to show me his nursery, and the picture hanging above her crib.  It's a picture of Hannah with Samuel, and the caption reads: "For this child I have prayed."  

I had never read or heard the story of Hannah before.  She read it to me, and I was moved to tears.  I can understand how Hannah felt, wanting a baby so badly, and how much it hurt her to have Elkanah taunt her.  Sometimes it feels like I'm being taunted by those around me.  

Our visit has been on my mind constantly for the last 24 hours or so.  It was amazing to see a woman who was meant to be a mother finally able to take up that role, after years of pain and sorrow.  And it was so healing to hold her son.  I think the best lesson I learned from it is that miracles really do happen, every day.  They take a lot of work and a lot of love, but they're all around us, and so are the angels that help keep us uplifted from day to day as we work to realize our miracles.

General Conference

I just love Conference time!  I love listening to the words of our leaders.  Tonight I listened to one of the talks from the Sunday afternoon session, by James B Martino.  He talked about the Savior

He mentioned how, even though he desired for the burden to be lifted from him, he left it in God's hands: "Not my will, but thine"  And here is an example that Br. Martino related:

I ask a question to you mothers:  Would you ever do something that would cause pain, and bring tears to your children when they have done nothing wrong?  Of course you would!  When mothers take young children to the doctor to receive immunizations, almost every child leaves the doctor's office in tears.  Why do you do that?  Because you know that a small amount of pain now will protect them from possible pain and suffering in the future.  Our Father in Heaven knows the end from the beginning.  We need to follow the example of the Savior and trust in Him.

So many times it would be so easy to become angry with God when we go through difficult, painful times.  I've done it myself, more than once!  But we need to trust in him, because only he can see that the small amounts of pain he allows us to go through could very well save us from something much more painful and damaging in the end.

Hope and ugly shirts

Have you ever gone to the store, needing a new shirt, so hopeful about what you expect to find, and bought what appeared to be the perfect one, then got home only to discover that it was the ugliest thing you've ever laid eyes on?  Then you stick it in the closet, and look at it every week or two, hoping against hope that it will magically change into what it was at the store.  Suddenly, years have flown by, and you realize this ugly thing is still in your closet.  But wait!  You now have a skirt that matches it perfectly, and even though the shirt is hideous alone...combine it with that skirt, and you have a fashion miracle!  LOL
Sometimes I feel like my life is that shirt.  Just under a year ago, I was hopeful about the direction my life was taking.  I was preparing to go to the temple and be sealed to my family, I was excited about personal discoveries relating to members of my family, I was new to a calling that I love and that I knew would bring great spiritual growth to me and to my family, and we were hoping that-after almost a year of trying-we would soon be welcoming a new member into our family.  
Now, a year later, I continue to look at that shirt regularly, hoping that somehow, by some miracle, it will become my favorite one.  We have still not made it to the temple.  The things I discovered about said family member are no longer.  The child we so hoped for never did come to us, and we are no longer in a position to expect that child to ever come to us.  The calling, which I dearly love, has sustained me throughout this last difficult year of my life.  Through it, through my service to those I work with in my calling and those I serve, and through serving the Lord, I have learned a great deal, and been given a seemingly endless supply of hope, courage, love, and strength.  There have been many times that it's seemed like I could not continue.  During those times, I have often been able to turn my mind to the work I do, and find the strength and desire to hang on just a little longer, if for no other reason than that those people need me, and the Lord needs me where I am.  
In reflecting on other areas of my life, I continue to hope that somehow the actions I'm taking in my life will help me to grow and be lifted up.  I hope that I see as much change in the coming year as I have in the past one.  I hope that I can be the example I need to be, and that I can see more clearly the answers to my prayers.   I hope I can determine the best direction I need to take now, and in the future
I know that prayers are always answered, even though we may not see it, or like the answer we receive at that time.  It reminds me of a beautiful poem I heard once:

My Life is but a weaving
between my Lord and me;
I cannot choose the colors
He worketh steadily.

Oft times He weaveth sorrow
And I, in foolish pride,
Forget He sees the upper,
And I the under side.

Not til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly,
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful
In the Weaver's skillful hand,
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.

He knows, He loves, He cares,
Nothing this truth can dim.
He gives His very best to those
Who leave the choice with Him.

 Despite all the sorrow I've experience in the last year, I can't help but wonder if this is all necessary in order for me to experience the beautiful completed picture.  Without the hard parts, it just wouldn't be the same.

Be ye therefore perfect...

Yesterday was our combined RS/PH meeting.  I don't get to go, because I am in the primary presidency and, well, someone has to take care of all the kiddos!  But I did peek in a couple of times when it seemed like primary was going smoothly.  One of the scriptures they talked about extensively was Be ye therefore perfect, even as your father which is in Heaven is perfect. (Matthew 5:48)  I was thinking about that scripture, and about the commandment we receive in it...and it occurred to me-why would our Father give us a commandment that is impossible?  He wouldn't.  It IS possible for us to become perfect.  BUT it does NOT say be ye therefore perfect RIGHT NOW.  Obviously he knows it is something we have to work at, something that is a process, and he doesn't expect it of us this instant.  But he does expect it of us, one step at a time.  And I realized-I need to stop making excuses for myself.  I always make excuses for myself with keeping my home clean, with my prayer and scripture study, and with many other things.  I have no excuse.  I'm not even trying, I'm giving it the effort I want to spare, and making excuses for the rest, that HF doesn't expect me to be perfect. Well, he does, and from now on I'm going to try a lot harder to be perfect.  To make my home a place of refuge for my family, by keeping it clean, by inviting the spirit into my home, by being loving toward my family and not losing my temper.  And by leaning a lot more and confiding a lot more in my Father.  We CAN become perfect.  And it can even be achieved in this lifetime.  

I often say to my husband "There was only one perfect person, and it's not me!"  But that's not true.  Christ was the only sinless person.  But there were others who attained perfection.  The three Nephites were among those.  It is possible.  

I know that I will make mistakes, because obviously I have not yet reached perfection.  And for that we have the Atonement.  That is what will help us reach perfection on the days that we just aren't capable of it (which, if you're anything like me, will be at least 24 times a day!)

Stake Conference (Adult session)

So let me start by saying I haven't been to SC in almost a decade.  8 years, to be precise.  It's always bored me, and I've just never wanted to go.  I usually completely forget about it, and totally put it out of my mind, and consider it a "day off."  For some reason, this entire week it has been always on the edge of my mind, and even more crazy is that I remembered the adult session, which I have NEVER been to, with the exception of the one time I was in the stake choir 8 years ago (which, now that I think of it, was the ONLY time I EVER went to SC!) 

The talks were all kind of boring, and didn't really seem to apply so much to me.  The first was "How to get your boys to go on missions."  Well, I don't have any boys, but figured I'd take notes, since I have about 40 boys in primary, and can always encourage a few of these things there. 

The second talked about Alma 49.  Almost a killer for me, Alma is one of the biggest challanges in my life, especially when it comes to the wars!  But one of the things he mentioned was that the Lamanites attacked, retreated, and attacked again, and how that is the theme in our own lives, and the way the Nephites survived was by heeding the Lord's word, and being diligent in living it.

The third was about death, and how life is not a trivial thing and should not be memorialized with trivial things.  Not much interest for me, but I took notes anyway, since it *could* potentially apply to me someday!

The last talk was given by our stake president.  He had a talk prepared, but felt inspired to lay it aside and speak from his heart.  The spirit present was absolutely amazing.  He spoke for a good 20-30 minutes, never pausing or stumbling in his words.  He spoke about trials, in our lives, in others' lives.  He said that no one is exempt from difficulties, nor should they be exempt.  We can find relief in serving others.  He said that for some reason, many people don't picture themselves being as able as the Prophet to receive inspiration, but we ARE!  We are just as entitled to receive inspiration and answers as the prophet is, and the process is the same.  He said that prayer doesn't make our problems go away, but it gives us strength and faith to see it through.  If the answer doesn't come right away, that's okay.  Sometimes we need to struggle a little longer to learn and grow.  We must be in tune to receive those answers, and sometimes the answer is not what we desire. 

But one of the main purposes of life is to struggle and overcome.  We can pray, and go forward in faith and confidence to do the best we can, and part of the blessing of prayer is to struggle and to have confidence in the Lord. 

Sometimes we don't see what he did for us until we look  back, but it will all work out, and it will come together for our good. 

He ended by saying "Let us all be angels in mortality and bless the lives of our brothers and sisters."

It was really amazing to listen to these words, and be comforted as I go through the trials in my own life, to know that my Father is there, ready to help me get through this, ready to give me an answer to my prayers, even though I may not realize at the time that it is the solution.  I feel strengthened to continue, and go forward with hope and faith that it WILL all work out.

My reading list

I'm always on the lookout for a GREAT book to read.  I love to read, and think there is just a certain magic in books that can be found nowhere else on Earth.  Among my favorites are Harry Potter, Twilight (sorry, kinda cliche, I know), Eragon, and, of course, Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit.  I love fantasy/scifi, although less scifi and more fantasy, romance (nothing smutty, though), and pretty much anything that's just a really good story that'll draw me in.  I recently read Animal Farm for the first time, and loved it, although it sort of scared me in a way.  And tonight I began Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick.  I've been trying to put together a reading list, and based on recommendations this is what I have.  I may or may not make it through these, but I will at least look at them at the bookstore, and read the first page or 2.  My general test to see whether or not I want to read it is if it can catch me in the first paragraph.  If not, it goes back on the shelf.

• The Book Thief 
• Goose Girl et al
• The Uglies et al (which I purchased this evening)
• Hunger Games et al
• City of Bones
  
• Hush, Hush (which I also purchased this evening, and started)
• Wings
  
• Graceling 
• The Dark Divine 

I'm really excited about Hush Hush.  I'm only 1 chapter in, but so far it is really good.  The Uglies sounds good as well (which is why I got it).  And I think the one I'm most excited for after these is The Book Thief.  That one sounds really interesting.  
If you have any recommendations for me, feel free to let me know!  Like I said, I'm always looking for a good read. 

Adversities

I just wanted to take a moment to share this quote from Joseph B Wirthlin:
If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness.
I don't think there's anything else to say about that.